Place: Earth Politics Committee Boardroom, Heaven
God: Order! Okay, thanks for coming everyone. I’ll cut to the chase – I have to choose a new Irish President. Suggestions?
Moses (wistfully): How long has it been since we did this?
Jesus: 14 years.
God: 14 years without a Presidential election? Ha! They call themselves a democracy, you know.
Jesus: I suppose you want us to throw out some names, yeah?
God: That would help. I can’t remember any decent candidates.
Moses: You’re supposed to know everything!
God: Ah Moses, give it a rest. My reputation precedes me and I’ve had a long day. So, any names for me?
Jesus (looking at a laptop screen): I’m just looking at the odds here and they reckon this lad Higgins is going to get it. He’s got the right attributes – he’s got that dodgy Irish haircut going on and sounds awful strange. They’ll like him. He’s getting on a bit though, so you’d have to ask St. Peter how long he might stick around for.
God: Hmmm . . . Anyone else?
St. Peter: A Senator by the name of Norris has been mentioned. But you’ll be happy to hear he’s pulled out of the race.
God: Why should I be happy about that?
Moses coughs and fidgets nervously, then looks at St. Peter
Moses: Well, are you going to tell him?
St. Peter: Never mind.
God: Never mind what? What’s wrong with this Norris fella?
Jesus (sighing): You know . . . he kicks with the other foot.
God stares back blankly
St. Peter: He’s very effervescent . . . joyous, frivolous, fabulous, Sapphic . . . Do you know what I mean?
God continues to stare back blankly
Jesus: He bats for the other team.
God is still staring back blankly
Moses: God, he’s gay. Do you understand?
God: Oh right. Do the Irish people know this?
Jesus, Moses and St. Peter: Yes.
God: Hmmm . . . well we can’t be having an openly gay President just yet. This is a very weak field. Maybe we should somehow tell them to shape up a bit?
Noah (eagerly): Can we have flooding?
God: You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Okay, throw in some flooding, but nothing too drastic. Limit it to basements and ground floors in the more pointless counties – Tipperary, Laois and Offaly in particular. Oh! And Kildare. That will teach them for building too many houses on floodplains.
Moses: That’s a bit Old Testament, isn’t it?
God: Maybe a little, but a leopard doesn’t change its spots. I don’t mean go Pakistan on them, just have a few rural folk crying on the evening news while an RTE reporter wearing overalls stands waist deep in water, okay? The usual scenario, like last time.
Noah: How about some fear thrown in too? Maybe have the insurance folks say they won’t pay out?
Jesus: Not enough sandbags is always a good one!
God: Erm, okay. But no deaths, you got that? Let’s keep our eye on the ball here – we’re trying to get a half-decent president for these people, not kill them.
Moses: They had this man called Lenihan who would have been a solid president, but St. Peter only had to go and let him in early.
God (to St. Peter): Did I ever tell you that you’re a fucking idiot sometimes?
St. Peter: Sorry God, my bad. I didn’t realise how popular he was; I don’t even have the excuse that I was on holiday and forgot to leave someone in charge.
Moses: What happened the last time you forgot to leave someone at the gate while you were gone again?
Jesus (interrupting): JFK was assassinated!
Recalling his past errors, St. Peter looks at the ground and lets out a deep breath
Moses (to St. Peter): Man, you really are an imbecile sometimes.
God: Okay gentlemen, let’s leave him alone for a minute. Any other options for Ireland then?
Moses: How about a joke candidate, like your man from Libertas or one of the Jedward twins?
Jesus: Wasn’t Jedward punishment for Bertie Ahern sticking around so long?
Moses: No, I’m thinking Jedward was punishment for taking the Eurovision song contest seriously for so long. Steve Staunton managing the football team was punishment for Bertie Ahern.
Jesus: Then what was Bertie Ahern punishment for?
Moses: Nothing. That just happened. They kept electing him without our help.
Jesus: Are you serious?!
Moses: Deadly serious.
Jesus: I find that hard to believe, the gobshites. Anyway, doesn’t Bertie have a daughter who writes books? What about throwing her in as president?
God: And why should I do that?
Jesus: Well, last time you sent someone’s kid – your own – to do an important job, it worked out alright. Just a thought . . .
God: Two points here, son. Are you comparing me with Bertie Ahern, and are you calling the Presidency of Ireland an important job? Because if you are, you’re off your rocker.
Jesus: I was just sayin’
God: And now you’ll just shut up, okay?
St. Peter (clicking his fingers, hip hop style): Ohhhhh did you just go there?
God: I went there.
St. Peter: Hi-ohhhh!!!
Moses: This meeting is getting out of hand. Might I suggest a parting of the ways and we can reconvene later?
Jesus: You’re always suggesting a parting of the ways, Moses. It’s your solution to everything. Get a new trick already.
Moses: And I suppose you’ve got loads of tricks, yeah? Oh look at me! Look at me turn this water into delicious wine! Prick.
Jesus: You’re a prick.
God: You’re both pricks and if you don’t shut it I’ll cancel the holiday and send you two to Satan for a week! Do I make myself clear?
Jesus and Moses (sheepishly): Yes, God.
God: This meeting is over. We’ll reconvene tomorrow. Moses, you bring the morning’s Irish Times and Jesus, you get me the latest paddypower odds. St. Peter, stop taking the few decent candidates and Noah, get things ready for the flood. We’re going to get these clowns a decent president.